I'm not broken.

I'm not broken, I'm a overtired, overworked mother of two adorable little men. Complaining? No, not in the slightest! I brought them into the world, and I would NEVER change a thing.
Being a mother is the hardest and most exhausting thing I've ever done or will do. How do I know this? Because being a parent is the hardest job, ever and I've talked to a lot of people..
I'm on duty 24/7. I don't get a break. I love the snuggles, the love, the need that my little men have for me, but that's not to say that I don't want to rip their heads off sometimes.
Being a mother has tried my patience ( and I had little to begin with ). It's taught me that they will always come before me, my wants, my dreams. I'm okay with that, because I'm raising little men that will one day be heros, husbands, fathers, and yet still, my little boys.

Why does it crank my wheel when you complain about your double shifts at work, and then how exhausted you are because you went and partied all night? Because, I work JUST as hard, if not more....and I don't get paid, don't get to go buy new shoes... and I beg for sleep, the cup of coffee in the morning isn't a luxury it's NEEDED.

I keep my house so clean that you could eat out of my toilets. You'll always find clean clothes, baking and hot meals in my kitchen. I try, hard.... and go to bed exhausted every night. But yet, I'm excited ( most days ) to get up and do it all over again.

When was that day that you contacted me and I was offended? Oh that day.... right, I was probably overtired and REALLY sensitive. I get that way, when I don't get a full night of sleep.

My anxiety really leaves me debilitated to NOT want to leave the house without my husband, because well, that stresses me out. My boys are well behaved, but the thought of one of them darting or being taken, grips me with fear. But maybe this is a excuse. I just have anxiety attacks because that's just what having more than one child does to you. Thank you to my wonderful little bundle of joy ( Cai ), I no longer wake up every morning calm. I've to pray for that to come, and sometimes it doesn't. I can't deal with everyday situations well. AKA, stress.
I love to just chill in my PJS all day long, bake and cook....but then again, that's stresses me out. Some days, I just take care of my boys, because that in itself is a full time job and I'm too tired to do anything else.

I can tell you in the 15 minutes of typing this post I've ran up and down my stairs over thirty times making sure Cai hasn't run into the bathroom to play in the toilet water. He's pulled off his poopy diaper, resulting in me steaming the floor ( well, that's a lie, that was before I got on my computer... he's a fast one! ).... well, then I got the memo to put away my computer until I put them down for a nap.
I barely have the time to pee, let alone bath and make myself look presentable. Yes, that's why I don't want to see YOU. I don't want to see you looking happy and presentable. No, My boys accept me, they love me... and they think I'm perfect in my onsie, with my tummy hanging free, my bags under my eyes and my furry armpits..... LOL, okay, maybe not the furry armpits.

You must think I'm looking for a way to complain about my life. No not really. This is the life I choose. I get to snuggle with the two cutest little men, while we snack on smarties, watch cartoons, wrestle on the floor, build teepees, bake until we're all colored in flour, have glow bubble baths.. and best yet? They give me hair messages. You know, those messages that make your head feel amazing?
I'm writting this post because I get sick of the questions and the judgement. Every stay-at-home-mom feels this. The judgement that she's so lucky to stay at home every day because, well, it's so easy. The judgement that your shift at work was so much harder than our day with our screaming, disgusting, exhausting toddlers. The questions like "Do you work?" Me "Yes, I'm a SAHM" Them "No, Do you have a occupation?" Me "Umm.....Yes....I....Build tables and coffee tables....."
I shouldn't have to say this. Did you know that everything with kids is more stressful? Going over to someones house... forget it, that's too much.
Did you know that usually at some point in my day I think "wouldn't it have been nice to have gone to a out-of-home job today!" Yes, I've that thought... but I'm blessed to raise my boys. It's a BLESSING.

We plan to go up the mountain in two weeks for a one and a half days. We've to walk up a SUPER steep and long hill with our kids and all our luggage, sleep in a dead silent house which will resulting in probably zero sleep for Glen and I because we'll be trying to keep them quiet all night and try to keep our Cai-Monster away from the fire, and basically chase him around constantly because he thinks everything is a toy. EVERYTHING. Okay, sorry that was a GIANT run-on sentence!
 This stresses my husband and I out, so unbelievably.... and as we normally sacrifice what we want to do ( AKA the mountain ) and only go up for a short time... to help our sanity. This year is different, we're stepping out.We're going crazy!

I hope you realize I'm not broken. I'm a mother. Yes, I'm always tired, overly sensitive, stressed out, self conscience, and boring... but that's where I am in life... So stop pissing me off and be careful with me, because your judgement might of made me cry last week.

I love my boys, my life... and I've a lifetime to sleep and be Jess again. It's their turn to have a mommy who loves them, is devoted to them and who would give up her world for them.
Hope I didn't offend anyone, but these are true thoughts from me and there's not one day that goes by that I don't feel judged for just staying at home.

So now, if you're still sitting there thinking. Wow, she needs more exercise or something because she must be lazy or out of shape. My husband who works a hard laboring job ( as a welder ) He gets arc flash (burns your eyes), he's crouched down in awkward and painful positions welding overheard, under him... one time he welded in a box that was under 3 feet high.. He comes home exhausted! He was layed off for two weeks and he said on multiple occasions that he would go to work any day than be the one to stay home looking after the boys. Not to say he doesn't love being a father... but I think you get the point... have I convinced you yet?
No? Ahh...too bad, just wait until you're a PARENT and have two under two! ( Insert evil laughter )..No really, I hope God grants you all the serenity and sanity in the world!

I LOVE YOU HUDSON AND CAI! Now... I've to go put that little monster in bed, AGAIN...