The pain of never saying goodbye

I'm reluctant to start this in any sort of way. I know that I'm ready to talk. I'm not ashamed anymore. I don't blame myself anymore. So here it goes..

On October 28th, five years ago, I was left in the middle of the night by my husband. No tell tale signs. No fight, he just vanished. I guess that was the sign.
I don't remember a lot from that marriage or that period of time. My heart was shattered, literally shattered. I remember not caring, giving up. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't care about anyone around me, their feelings, their hurt.
I think my mind erased him and that pain because it wanted to heal itself. Well, that's not how you heal yourself.
Just now, being on isagenix has somehow opened my heart, and my mind. I'm unsure if my kids have completely clouded over and taken up all my mind space that I just didn't take the time to think about it. Or I didn't want to. I don't know.
What I know is, if anyone brought up the situation or my past. I would instantly change the subject. Still to this day it's hard to remember that period of my life. I know I was married before, but I usually forget and I can't rememeber much.

I'm writing this blog to let you know the pain of never saying goodbye. The pain of knowing that you'll never see someone again ( it's like they died ) except they're alive and don't want you anymore.
It's the most heart wrenching thing I'll ever go through. ( I really hope I don't have to top that... my heart would explode! ) But God gives us grace, right?
I remember days I just wanted to die. The pain was unbearable. I remember ( barely ), drinking so I wouldn't hurt, and trying to find love else where. Glen was my angel. At the time it wasn't good. I shouldn't have ever included him into my sad and painful life... but I did, and look where it got me?
A future I would of only dreamed of. I'm blessed so unbelievably much now.

But lets pedal back a bit, shall we. I'm writing this to tell you to care. Care for those that are hurting around you. Because there are so many.
They may be embarrassed or hurt, angry or depressed. The list goes on. But be persistent. I often felt like I was alone, and like everyone judged me. I now know that this wasn't the case. But at the time it was hard to see past my own thoughts.

If I pushed you out of my life it was only because I was in so much pain and embarrassed at the fact that my husband thought I was so terrible that he left me.
It was  never my fault. That's something that I've come to know.

If you're reading this and you're in pain. Please read my words and know, it gets better. It truly does. I thank God every single day for the hard and thorny path he put me on. So painful, but it's led me to two beautiful baby boys and a husband who is so patient with me and treats me like a princess.

If you're wondering why I'm writing this blog and being so honest. It's because I want you to know that I'm not ashamed anymore. I don't deserve to live in fear to praise God, or to love my family because Satan is always whispering in my ear that I don't deserve this.
I do and you do too.

So take a extra second to let a friend know you're there.